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Call Me Fitz
Richard "Fitz" Fitzpatrick, morally bankrupt top salesman of pre-owned automobiles for 9 years running, hits rock bottom when he crashes a GT on a test drive, puts a woman in a coma, and wakes up to find he's grown a conscience - a living/breathing hanger-on named Larry, who joins Fitzpatrick Motors as a do-gooder salesman, and threatens to undercut Fitz' debaucherous way of life...
After a failed hit on Larry's life, Fitz's only option is to get rid of him by proving Larry's a crazy person. After all, he claims to be his conscience. Meanwhile, Larry tries to purge Fitz of drugs and alcohol. But by the time Larry rallies the Fitzpatrick family for an intervention, Fitz's own sanity begins to dwindle in the throes of the DTs, and he decides to take whacking matters into his own hands...
When Fitz discovers his Father Ken is leaving Fitzpatrick Motors to Larry in his will, he has no choice but to prove Larry is NOT his long lost, responsible brother. And the only way to do it is a quick visit to his absentee, alcoholic mother Elaine. On Fitz's quest for closure however, he ends up at Elaine's weekly key party. When he can't find the answers he needs, he steals her car. Meanwhile, demented Junior Survivalist Kara builds her now growing attempted vehicular manslaughter case by blackmailing Josh with a compromising cell phone.
Fitz quickly unloads Elaine's car in hopes of putting their broken relationship behind him for good. But Larry is convinced it was a desperate plea to get her back in his life. Unfortunately for Fitz, that's exactly what happens. After manipulating Larry into a family reunion, Elaine gets Fitz on board to scam the Ruptals and get the car back. But its all part of a Long Con Elaine concocts to finalize her divorce and rid herself of all things Fitz once and for all...
When Larry and Meghan buy Ken a birthday present, Fitz scrambles to come up with his own gift to blow Meghan's out of the water. But the only thing they have in common is cars and porn. So Fitz shoots a car-themed porn with Ken's favorite classic porn star Candy Box. But she's a little older than Fitz remembered. When her kids show up, and her back goes out, Fitz has to man-up and save the day. By co starring with Sonja...
Fitz tries to hook Larry up with a drunk chick, only to end up sleeping with Janet, the drunkest of them all. But the next morning Fitz discovers Janet wasn't drunk, she's brain damaged. Meghan meanwhile tries to get back on the dating horse. When she mistakes an attempted purse snatching for a come-on, she takes her mugger hostage at a motel. Larry thinks Fitz's latest predicament is a perfect opportunity to teach him about love and devotion. But it gets complicated when Ali shows up. Especially since her comatose mother has developed a communication technique with her finger twitches, and she has an actual case against Fitz...
Hoping to take advantage of spousal privilege, Fitz proposes to a comatose Babs, believing it will prevent her morse-code testimony. In an attempt to placate Larry, Fitz makes him his Best Man. He throws a lame, kid-themed bachelor party - the kind of party Fitz never had as a child. Ali attends in hopes of getting Fitz too drunk to go through with the wedding before Babs is moved to a private facility. But a chance jail-cell meeting with an S&M submissive/ordained minister leaves Fitz free and clear to marry Babs. Everything's coming up Fitz. Until Babs wakes up…
Fitz is pleasantly surprised to discover his marriage to Babs fulfills his latent maternal longings. After Fitz fully regresses to a child-like state, Babs discovers he doesn't want a lover, he wants a Mommy. Appalled, Larry tries to get Ali to help break them up. But when it becomes clear that Ali's jealous of Babs, Fitz realizes who he should really be with. He chases after Ali and they start going at it in her car. But an errant elbow throws the car in reverse. It rolls over Babs, killing her instantly...
Being a widower has its perks; the pity, the gifts, the inheritance - which Fitz uses to buy a plot of land for his dream bar, The Summer Wind Lounge. Ali learns her mother's dying wish was an organic burial. Unfortunately it's illegal. But if anyone can help her skirt the law, it's Fitz. Together, they steal the body from the crematorium, and bury her on Fitz's new real estate venture. Ali is grateful for a sense of closure on her strained maternal relationship. So she thanks Fitz by b. him in the car. But when she learns Fitz used all of Babs' money to invest in his bar, she's done with him forever...
Reeling from the Ali debacle, Fitz has a new plan to get rid of Larry: if he's good for once, there'd be no need to have a conscience. Larry would finally leave him alone. So Fitz sets up a charity drive for Ned the cripple - not a kid, but a curmudgeonly dude in a wheelchair. And to prove he's really altruistic, he promises to give Ned a kidney. Larry is sure Fitz won't go through with it. Which of course, he doesn't - especially when he learns he's feeling down because he has syphilis. The match testing never happened - it was a scam by Ned, who ends up harvesting Larry's kidney for sale on the black market instead...
A sniper takes siege of Fitzpatrick Motors. Larry is convinced Fitz's cowardice in withholding his syphilis diagnosis from his sexual partners has brought this upon them. But as Fitz points out, it could be any one of the hundreds of people who want him dead. Ali meanwhile tries to get over bad boy Fitz by dating milquetoast Chester Vince. As the Fitz Motors team narrows down the possible shooter, Josh concludes its Kara. They call Ali to negotiate with the suspect. But the real hero turns out to be Chester, who makes sure Kara isn't tried as an adult. Larry urges Fitz to disclose his STD to Ali. But in outing their relationship to Chester, he ruins Ali's chance of happiness with a good guy once and for all...
The final numbers for the Fibbies are in, and Fitz is way out of contention. But there's a loop-hole - salesmen can enter as a team. As Fitz schemes to sign Larry as his 'plus one', Larry gets an anonymous letter: a clue into a past he no longer remembers. Though Fitz agrees to help Larry investigate his past in exchange for his help winning a Fibbie, mere hours before the Fibbies start, they end up trapped in an abandoned warehouse. Larry doubts his abilities as a conscience, and wonders if the world would be better without him. Fitz talks him out of his noose, and they get to the Fibbies just in time, but as Fitz practices his acceptance speech in the parking lot, a hood is thrown over his head and he's kidnapped. Let's just say the list of suspects is long...
Fitz wakes up in a motel room with his captors, Ali, Sonja, and Julia, the leader of the Bad Men and the Good Women Who Love Them support group. But the women are divided on what they want to do with him - snip off his dick or record a hostage-style video PSA to warn women everywhere. When Sonja chickens out and calls Larry to come save Fitz, Larry talks the women out of a beheading, instead agreeing to take up Kangaroo court for the trial of Dick Fitz. Larry pleads on behalf of the defendant that they're lucky he's not worse than he is - his mother left him, his father doesn't want him to succeed, and that he's still capable of love. A mistrial is called when Larry and Fitz learn there's bigger fish to fry - literally. Josh has been conned into bombing the dealership and if they don't get there soon, Fitzpatrick Motors may be finished - for good.
